Differentiation of Self

Our ability to separate ourselves from our environment (those around us) physically, cognitively, emotionally, and every other way as well, while being interdependent and close to others. Probably a better definition is to maintain your sense of self while being connected to others. Low differentiation of self is marked by REACTIVITY TO THE ACCEPTANCE AND REJECTION OF OTHERS.

What Low Differentiation Looks like

Sounds easy, until you get around certain people and your old dynamics come out. There are three signs you are not differentiating well in a situation. 1) Chameleon behaviors 2) Bully behaviors 3) Rebel behaviors. Let's look at these.

Chameleon is easy. You do what others expect of you, what others are doing and you lose your voice to be as non-offensive or as non noticeable as you possibly can. The goal is to avoid the rejection of others.

Bully may seem like an odd behavior for someone with differentiation of self problems, but think about it like this. If my fear is having others reject me, being a bully is a great way to prevent that from happening. It’s a little risky, but not as risky as being rejected and increases the probability of being accepted by my core group.

Rebel behaviors are pretending that I do not care so that I can build a defense against rejection and acceptance. If I pretend I do not care then I can insulate myself and tell myself that any rejection or acceptance is insignificant because I did not want it and did not try.

Improving Differentiation of Self

Improving differentiation of self has amazing benefits! You can reduce anxiety and better withstand the pressures of intimate relationships (this includes family as well), have a much stronger sense of self and much greater self-acceptance. Improving differentiation of self is a process of reclaiming self. Step one is recognizing that your SELF deserves to be protected by YOU in small ways. If you prefer Pepsi over Coke, assert this when you go shopping. BUT also, do not force this on your partner, you may each choose your own. Each person is allowed to express self.

Improving differentiation of self is a process of finding your voice in a gentle and assertive manner. It is never taking someone else’s voice, but seeking understanding. At times you may have to reevaluate your relationships and there may be a need to redefine as others may be used to relationship patterns where you are in a chameleon, rebel or bully role. A well differentiated person can be assertive without violating the rights of others yet always protecting themselves.